Boil and mash potatoes. Add salt

Whilst boiling, fry onions carrots and celery finely chopped.

Add beef

Add wine

Add tomatoes and salt and pepper. Simmer for at least two hours. Remove lid if you need to reduce. Add sage if you like.

Part way through simmering add an unholy amount of butter to the ragu (pretty sure this is the secret)

Add Vale's hair because she doesn't have a net

One potatoes are mashed add flour. 250g per 1kg potato. You wanna use as little flour as possible to preserve potato flavour. Just enough flour to stop sticking to worktop.

Keep working it till it's uniform and not too sticky on your hands, adding flour as need be

Make snakes and chop them up

You can store them in the ragu. Do layers with parmesan

Enjoy, ya filthy animal